You might be a Cameroonian if.....
*you've ever uttered the phrase "please for container"
*you can carry a bucket of water on your head and carry one in each hand without spilling a drop
*you can give a play-by-play analysis of the 1990 World Cup quarterfinal match between Cameroon and Argentina from memory
*you have used prize-winning promotional beer bottle caps as a form of currency
*you own at least one piece of clothing with President Paul Biya's face on it (and at least three pieces with Eto'o's name on it)
*you work for or with three or more relatives
*you have lost count of the number of times you've had malaria
*your father has at least ten children by two different women
*you've never eaten pork and consider chicken a delicacy
*the country you consider most similar to your own is Canada because they are also French-English bilingual
*you suffer withdrawl symptoms if you go four days without eating snails
*you know at least eight ways to cook plantains
*you see no irony in trying to get visiting white men to come to church with you
*you believe that sometimes after people die their ghost goes to Europe, makes money and send its back home
*you have no sense of time or distance
*your definition of 'parenting' is saying "I will beat you" or "I will kill you" at least ten times a day to you kids
*your preferred method of resolving disagreements is screaming at someone in a public area
*you fall in love with people (particularly white women) after meeting them once
*you are running at least one palm oil or parrot egg exporting scam
*you flash. A lot.
*you prepare all of your food the same way: dry the ingredients, ground them to a powder, turn them into a paste, wrap the paste in banana leaves, steam them, and consume it as a bland, starchy ball
*you believe meeting a white man equals getting a visa
*you take justice into your own hands and punish thieves by pouring vats of acid on them, throwing them onto a pile of burning tires, or beating them to death in the street
*you love Spanish telenovelas dubbed in French, but speak neither language
*you consider breastfeeding an appropriate public, social activity
*you think the ability to type with more than two fingers is a sign of genius
*you're 5 years old and, disturbingly, can dance like a stripper
*your home contains no written material other than a Bible
*you believe in witchcraft, but not washing machines
*you listen to the same three songs over and over, everywhere
*you consider Maggi, salt and palm oil to be the three essential ingredients in any dish
(Sorry if these make no sense to you, but take my word for it, all of these hold true in Cameroon, as bizarre as they may be.)
*you flash. A lot.
*you prepare all of your food the same way: dry the ingredients, ground them to a powder, turn them into a paste, wrap the paste in banana leaves, steam them, and consume it as a bland, starchy ball
*you believe meeting a white man equals getting a visa
*you take justice into your own hands and punish thieves by pouring vats of acid on them, throwing them onto a pile of burning tires, or beating them to death in the street
*you love Spanish telenovelas dubbed in French, but speak neither language
*you consider breastfeeding an appropriate public, social activity
*you think the ability to type with more than two fingers is a sign of genius
*you're 5 years old and, disturbingly, can dance like a stripper
*your home contains no written material other than a Bible
*you believe in witchcraft, but not washing machines
*you listen to the same three songs over and over, everywhere
*you consider Maggi, salt and palm oil to be the three essential ingredients in any dish
(Sorry if these make no sense to you, but take my word for it, all of these hold true in Cameroon, as bizarre as they may be.)
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