The Top 10 Reasons Not to Shower

10. Sooner rather than later you will step ankle-deep into a pile of manure.

9. Your smell deters muggers, if not mosquitos.

8. You're cold for the rest of the day if you do, even if its 90 degrees outside.

7. You're lazy.

6. Instead of water, cockroaches or worms might fall from the showerhead.

5. Mud is therapeutic for the skin.

4. So you fit right in with the locals.

3. No matter how hard you try, your feet will never, ever even be close to clean.

2. Even if you don't smell your clothes do.

1. The water is not on anyway.

You Know You've Been in Cameroon Too Long When....

You know you've been in Cameroon too long when....

*you take having the electricity, water, and Internet working at the same time as a sign of the apocalypse
*you find the idea of being able to walk down the street WITHOUT being stared at, whistled at, or harrassed very strange
*you've stopped using helping verbs when you speak
*you no longer notice the rooster crowing outside your room at all hours of the night (or the evangelist proselytizing)
*fufu and eru is your favorite food
*you no longer fear the prospect of malaria
*you think the flashlight accessory on your cell phone is a godsend
*you start saying "I want to piss myself" when you need to pee
*your water bottle serves at least five daily functions (drinking, showering, filling the toilet, storage, doorstop, etc)
*most of your daydreams revolve around eating a piece of meat bigger than your thumb
*your circadian rhythms have adopted 'African Time'
*you can justify your refusal to shower at least ten different ways
*you don't believe that bread comes in more than one type (white)
*you've killed a (named) mouse in your house with a broom and rubber cement
*you point and stare more than the locals when you see a white man
*you start inviting yourself to funerals for the free booze
*there is no longer such a thing as 'matching' or 'clashing'
*you've seen a dead body in the road and walked by it, unfazed
*you've forgotten that a liquid form of milk exists, as does a non-liquid form of peanut butter

You might be a Cameroonian if.....

You might be a Cameroonian if.....

*you've ever uttered the phrase "please for container"

*you can carry a bucket of water on your head and carry one in each hand without spilling a drop

*you can give a play-by-play analysis of the 1990 World Cup quarterfinal match between Cameroon and Argentina from memory

*you have used prize-winning promotional beer bottle caps as a form of currency

*you own at least one piece of clothing with President Paul Biya's face on it (and at least three pieces with Eto'o's name on it)

*you work for or with three or more relatives

*you have lost count of the number of times you've had malaria

*the concept of 'silence' is entirely foreign to you

*your father has at least ten children by two different women

*you've never eaten pork and consider chicken a delicacy

*the country you consider most similar to your own is Canada because they are also French-English bilingual

*you suffer withdrawl symptoms if you go four days without eating snails

*you know at least eight ways to cook plantains

*you see no irony in trying to get visiting white men to come to church with you

*you believe that sometimes after people die their ghost goes to Europe, makes money and send its back home

*you have no sense of time or distance

*your definition of 'parenting' is saying "I will beat you" or "I will kill you" at least ten times a day to you kids

*your preferred method of resolving disagreements is screaming at someone in a public area

*you fall in love with people (particularly white women) after meeting them once

*you are running at least one palm oil or parrot egg exporting scam

*you flash. A lot.

*you prepare all of your food the same way: dry the ingredients, ground them to a powder, turn them into a paste, wrap the paste in banana leaves, steam them, and consume it as a bland, starchy ball

*you believe meeting a white man equals getting a visa

*you take justice into your own hands and punish thieves by pouring vats of acid on them, throwing them onto a pile of burning tires, or beating them to death in the street

*you love Spanish telenovelas dubbed in French, but speak neither language

*you consider breastfeeding an appropriate public, social activity

*you think the ability to type with more than two fingers is a sign of genius

*you're 5 years old and, disturbingly, can dance like a stripper

*your home contains no written material other than a Bible

*you believe in witchcraft, but not washing machines

*you listen to the same three songs over and over, everywhere

*you consider Maggi, salt and palm oil to be the three essential ingredients in any dish

(Sorry if these make no sense to you, but take my word for it, all of these hold true in Cameroon, as bizarre as they may be.)